So a few weeks ago I went to the library to return a book (which I hadn’t read, but it was overdue by a month) and I thought
‘I want to actually read a book this time. All I do is spend time online. I really think it’s time I just sat down and relaxed the old fashioned way.’
So I searched for a book and pretty quickly I came across ‘1Q84’ by Haruki Murakami. I’d never heard of the author before, but the book was new and looked good from the cover, so without reading the blurb, I signed it out.
Reading the first few chapters was easy. I totally got into it. The whole feel of the book is slightly surreal, and you can understand the characters (to an extent), but the whole book has a dark undertone to it. I’m not saying that ‘s a bad thing- I love it, it’s one of the best books I’ve read in a long time (I’m just moving on to book 2).
But today I had a marathon read. When I started, I’d read two chapters at a time, but today I wanted to get through it some more. And as I read, I was more and more absorbed into this neat and clean style of writing.
And then I reached the end of book 1. To me, there was no ending and the book should have just gone on, but I had enjoyed my self. And then..
I sat there. Realizing.
All the characters have lives. Lives that they live. But they are empty. They’re missing happiness or severe emotion. They don’t go out for a laugh with their friends. They don’t ever sit down and watch tv or have a hug with their closest relative. They don’t joke about with anyone at work and they don’t go out to eat or shopping purely to have a good time. Their lives are empty.
And I realised – So is mine.
I’ve been feeling it for a while now. Not an emptyness as such, but as if I’m just waiting for something to happen. My life passes me by as I eat, sleep and work. Surf the net. Make awkward conversation with my ‘friends’.
I put my iPod on shuffle and listened to the first song that came up. Ironically it was ‘Feel’ by Robbie Williams (NO idea why that’s on there). I looked around my room at my possessions and it felt like they’d all suddenly turned a shade of grey. They had no meaning. What was the point? Why was I even studying? So I could get a job. Why? So I could live in comfort. Why? What’s the point when it will always feel empty. Kind of like something is missing. I stared at my clothes and thought of how much I hate them.
After turning my speakers on full volume with Robbie singing, ‘I don’t wanna die, but I aint too keen on living either..’ I sat down in the middle of the floor and started screaming.